06 I Just Wanna Be Mad For Awhile

Because this show is about chasing dreams and keeping it real, I'm gonna pull back the curtain a bit. I think it can be really easy to look at the world around us and convince ourselves that everyone else has it all together. I mean we look at the polished Instagram feeds as the fly by a lightning speed and we drink in finely crafted promotions that folks have spent hours and hours orchestrating behind the scenes, and it can be easy to feel like you’re not doing enough.

But the truth is, going after your dream gets messy and even with the best-laid plans, you can’t control everything. Over the years through a lot of trial and error, I’ve managed to create some pretty solid systems for my business that help me to stay focused and organized ( I’m a boss in that arena and I have now shame claiming that) but that doesn’t mean that I don’t sometimes feel like I’m trying to juggle in a hurricane.

For example, this isn’t actually the show I’d planned for today. In fact, it’s early in the morning and I’m recording this episode on the day it will be going live. Yep. The day it will be going LIVE. Which isn’t ideal, because I have a full schedule ahead that includes a few guest interviews later in the day.

I typically batch record episodes to make good use of my time, and I have a content calendar to keep it all organized. But last night we had a technology meltdown that caused the episode that I’d spent hours preparing for, recording and editing to completely disappear. Including the backup.

You can hear the whole story on episode #6 of the Opry Dreamer Podcast :

What started out as a technology meltdown turned into a human meltdown. I freaking lost it. And my poor husband, who was just trying to help got caught in the crossfire. You know how they say it’s easiest to hurt the ones you love,well they weren't wrong.

We stayed up way too late trying to fix things (spoiler alert: we never recovered the episode) and we went to bed like a real-life version of Terri Clark’s song “ I Just Wanna Be Mad” you know that line “last night we went to bed not talking cause we’d already said too much. I faced the wall you faced the window bound and determined not to touch.” . Yep, that was us.

And when I woke up this morning I felt like crap. Not just because the episode was gone, because that really sucked, but because of how I reacted to the entire situation. Did my reaction help the matter? No. Did it bring the episode back? No. Did my mama raise me better than that? Yes, she did. I tried my best to find my zen at that moment, but I failed and the truth is I just wanted be mad for a while.

And I'm willing to admit that I was really tempted to let this unforeseen roadblock throw me off course. I had pretty much convinced myself that there just wouldn't be an episode this week. But then I looked at the words I have on a reader board above my desk. The sign says Create, Publish Repeat.

That sign serves as a reminder to not just keep creating but to keep publishing. As an artist and a self-aware perfectionist, I can sometimes get obsessive over details. And I don’t think there is anything wrong with having high standards, but if those high standards are keeping you from ever getting anything out there then you’re standing in your own way.

When I look at that sign it forces me to check-in and ask myself “Are you self sabotaging right now?”

I really believe that the closer you get to your dream the harder you get tested. And it’s in those moments when you feel pushed to the limits and you want to just sit down and sulk, that it’s most important to press on and to pull it together in spite of the circumstances to show up for your dream!

This morning a passage from Steven Pressfield book called Do The Work he came to mind. He said

“Our enemy is not lack of preparation, it’s not the difficulty of the project or the state of the marketplace or the emptiness of our bank account. The enemy is resistance. The enemy is our chattering brain which if we give it so much as a nanosecond will start producing excuses, alibis, transparent self-justifications and a million reasons why we can’t shouldn’t won’t do what we know we need to do. Start before you’re ready. And do the work”

Sometimes you just have to pour yourself a big cup of coffee, pretend you know what you’re doing and get back to work. So that’s exactly what I’m doing. And no this isn’t the episode I intended for today, but I said I was gonna be here today and I am a woman of my word so, here I am!

And in case you’re wondering, Gabe and I are gonna be just fine. I really hate having to say sorry, I’m working on that, but I’m human and I’m thankful to have such a supportive, loving man in my corner. I owed him an apology so I delivered it.

Onward and upward we go y’all. Let’s show up as we are, where we are and just create, publish, repeat. If this resonates with you, I’d love to hear from you. Let me know what you’ve been resisting.

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